One Shot to Write a Oneshot
by WonderlandLost
Summary: When Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny have to work together to write a oneshot based on their lives, hilarity ensues. *Yes, this is a oneshot about a oneshot*


**Author's note: Hey guys, so I got bored and decided to write this dumb little oneshot. I honestly had so much fun writing it and I needed some comic relief after writing another chapter of my feature-length story Sea of Lovers and Abnegation *hint check it out hint hint* which is extremely depressing but equally as fun to write. I hope you guys enjoy this. :)**

* * *

"What the fuck is a oneshot?"

Kyle asks for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman have all been sat around Stan's dusty and old computer in his bedroom for the past hour; staring expressionlessly at the blank Mycroftsoft Word document. Earlier today, the four boys along with the rest of their class were set a homework assignment by their effeminate English teacher, Mr Myamhi, that instructed the pack of teens to write a 1000-word oneshot story based on their lives here in South Park. After Mr Myamhi explained to the class that the word 'oneshot' origins from fanfiction stories on the internet, the class were later horrified after closer inspection on the word to find a rather intimate story involving Severus Snape, Hannibal Lecter and a can of tuna. They have all been given until tomorrow morning to finish their stories, and anyone who refuses to hand in a complete oneshot will be failed for their entire module.

"Kyle... Jesus Christ." Cartman says, face-palming himself with a sigh, "For the fucking nine-thousandth time, a oneshot is a single story that can be read and understood in full without having read any other prior story by the author. Did you even read that Fanfiction Terminology website?"

"I'm still reading it actually, fat-ass." Kyle hisses, "But I'm only on the 'L' section so far, there are a lot of terms to memorize!"

"Goddammit Kyle, you only had to click 'O' and find the part that says 'oneshot', you didn't have to read the whole fucking website you dirty Jew-bag."

"Fuck you, Eric. At least I have the attention span to actually be able to read more than a few words per hour! What grade was it that you got last year for English again? I'm just curious."

"You know Mrs Bentley only gave me that F because I told you guys that she sucked my balls, Kahl." Cartman mutters.

"Oh, that's such bullshit." Kyle replies.

"She did too suck my balls, Kahl!"

"I seriously doubt that any living creature would be able to get within a 5-mile radius of your exposed balls without getting some kind of fucked up disease. And my name... is not... '_Kahl'_."

Stan turns from the computer screen to look at his two friends in disbelief. Well, that's not exactly the truth. Kyle is Stan's Super Best Friend, he'd do anything for him. Cartman on the other hand- well, let's just say Stan wouldn't piss on the fatso if he was on fire.

"Would you guys just shut the fuck up and help us get this fucking story finished so you guys can all go back to your own homes?" He asks.

"You two should just fuck and get it over with." Kenny adds, although the other boys do not hear his remark as his face is covered by his tight orange hoodie that he has worn since he was a baby.

"Fine." Kyle says, sighing and folding his arms to his chest in defeat.

"He started it-" Cartman states.

"Enough." Stan says, and after a few moment of silence he turns back to his computer screen. "Thankyou."

"Okay, so where do we start with this 'oneshot' bull?" Kyle asks.

"Well..." Stan says, "I think we should start with characters, seeing as though we have to base it on our lives here... let's have us be the main characters. And in the end if we run out of people to use we can just make up a character to move the narrative forward."

As Stan says this his laptop randomly bursts into flames, lighting Kenny on fire in the progress who screams and runs out of the bedroom window. Before the boys can react a knock is heard at Stan's bedroom door.

"Excuse me, señor Stan?" a man who is dressed in a very stereo-typically Mexican outfit says.

"Oh hey Juan, what's up?" Stan asks, ignoring his friend's death in favor of the old family butler.

"I just came because I found a spare laptop in your yard, premium range, see?" he says, bringing in a brand new shiny laptop, replacing the old, burned one at the desk. "Okay, goodbye forever now."

"Bye, Juan." Stan says.

"Weird." Kyle remarks after the man has left.

"Yeah" Stan replies, "Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, expendable made-up characters only used to push the narrative forward-"

"I think we should start with the main characters first, R-tard." Cartman says with a scoff.

"Okay." Stan says, grating his teeth at the fat bastard who is failing every lesson he studies yet he still has the nerve to call someone else an 'R-tard'. "If you know so much about writing a 'oneshot', you think of the main characters."

"Jesus Christ, isn't it fucking obvious?" Cartman asks to his two confused and pissed-off associates. "Fine, I'll spell it out for you guys. Stan... you're the main character and you're totally gay for Kyle. But luckily for you, Kyle coincidentally would bend over backwards for you, too. The whole oneshot is spent with you two being whiny, melodramatic teen bitches who eventually end up together and ride hand-in-hand into the sunset."

After the two boys take a moment to realize that Cartman is being completely serious about this homosexual-story line idea, Stan is the first to speak.

"What?!" he shouts, "Why the fuck do_ I_ have to be gay?"

"Think about it for a second, you fucking hippie." Cartman says in a matter-of-factly tone, "Mr Myamhi said we'll get extra marks for creativity, who else do you think is going to be writing about the two straightest guys in school being totally head-over-heels gay for each other?"

"That's..." Kyle begins, totally prepared to protest against this idea in complete disgust, until he actually starts thinking about it. "...actually really smart, fat-ass."

"I have my moments, Jew." Cartman says, looking extremely proud of himself.

Kyle looks over to Stan, who looks like he may throw up at any second. "Stan, he has a point." Kyle says, "just think about it, we could easily get an A for this stupid teen crap."

Stan takes a moment to think about this. It's probably true that they'd get good grades just for being so daring, and Stan's recent grades haven't exactly been great so an 'A' would really help to push his overall grade higher. He sighs in defeat, before saying "Fine... me and Kyle are gay for each other."

"Sweet." Cartman says.

"But we need a name." Stan adds, looking completely serious.

"What?" Kyle asks, confused by this statement. "What do you mean we need a name?"

"Well you know..." Stan begins, "Brad and Angelina have Brangelina, Zac and Vanessa had Zenessa, we need a name!"

"That's probably the gayest sentence I've heard leave your mouth, Stanley Marsh." Cartman says.

"This coming from the guy who wants me and Stan to bend over for each other!" Kyle shouts in defense of his best friend. "And I think you're right, Stan. If we're going to go with this gay story, we might as well make the most of it. How about _Style_?"

"_Style_..." Stan mumbles, contemplating this for a second, "yeah... I like it. It sounds deep and meaningful enough for fanatics like Mr Myamhi to get all wet over. _Style_ it is."

After the group of three spend another five minutes staring into space, completely lost on where to go next with this oneshot, something hits Kyle like a knife thrown at a house-elf. "Okay, so let's be honest we can't have a story with two characters. We need some lovable secondary characters that provide comic relief and the occasional dirt joke."

"That's right." Stan says, nodding.

"Okay but first can I close your window, Stan?" Cartman asks, "the smell of Kenny's burning flesh is making me want to violently combust... wait a minute..."

"KENNY!" all three of the boys say in unison.

"Of course!" Kyle screams, "it's so obvious, how did we miss it? What this story needs is a Kenny."

"Okay, Kenny it is." Stan says, typing the idea down on the computer along with the _Style_ idea. "But how can we make him appealing to a wider audience? I mean, he's got the comic relief, he's got the sexual frustration, but I feel like he's missing something... something hidden right underneath our noses."

"Let's remove his hood." Cartman says coldly, looking into the distance.

Stan and Kyle look at each other and then to Cartman. Both carrying the impression that Cartman has lost his mind.

"Hear me out, fags." he says, looking towards them again. "We remove his hood; reveal to the audience his dashing good looks, that'll win the people over. It's the next step in the evolution of this oneshot you guys, serious-lah."

"We can't just remove his hood!" Kyle says, shaking his head, "For one thing Kenny would never put his hood down for anything, and another thing-"

"It's risky." Stan says, interrupting his best friend. "But goddamnit it's just crazy enough to work. Kenny loses the hood."

"No..." Kyle whispers, shaking his head in his hands.

"Okay guys, looks like we've got a plot and some characters, you ready to write this son of a bitch?" Cartman asks, putting his hand in the middle of the group.

"I'm ready." Stan says, putting his hand over Cartman's, he looks to his best friend, "Kyle?"

Kyle sighs. "I'm not saying I agree with this-"

"You don't have to!" Stan says quickly.

"And if we get in trouble for this I'm not taking the rep. I can't get put into detention, man. I won't last in between those walls."

"Kyle." Cartman says seriously, "are you in... or not?"

Stan and Cartman watch Kyle with held breathes, Kyle sighs and finally puts his hand over Stan's.

"Let's get this shit over with."

And the three boys then spend the night writing their 1000-word oneshot. They put their hopes, fears, and angst into those thousand words. And when they finally finish typing the epic story out, they realize that what they wrote could very well be the best goddamn oneshot this universe has ever laid eyes upon. And if there is any hope in left humanity, when Mr Myamhi is finished reading this beautifully crafted oneshot, he'll leave a review. But one can only dream. One can only dream.


End file.
